I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Meeeee too!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
umm…
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field