her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
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[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine