Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
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Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
*limbos away from your hug*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.