Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
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“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky