Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.