*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
The sacred texts.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out