*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Why font matters.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.