6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
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Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Where is your GOD now????
Rather alarming headline…
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”