I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
You Might Also Like
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.