I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
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Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
What
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I’m having an out of money experience.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”