My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
respect
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.