If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
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🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
That’s what I call a flat tire
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.