[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
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When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
And then there were 4
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.