coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit