Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Botany good plants lately?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department