I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?