The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?