You Might Also Like
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…