Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I just ran a .003048K
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.