Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My blood type is coffee.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation