I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
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I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness