I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
You Might Also Like
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.