My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Mood.. 😂
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
is it earth
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.