Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
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*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.