This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
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lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken