[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”