It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.