*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
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What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Yup.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.