I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
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The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.