take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
You Might Also Like
Love it! 👍😂
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.