“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
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Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
*launders Kohls cash*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies