My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣