Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
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I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.