[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.