*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.