Do one person every day that scares you.
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The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]