you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
You Might Also Like
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Don’t tell me what to do
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS