Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
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Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
The best shot in the history of golf
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.