I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
You Might Also Like
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
i love modern commerce
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll