I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!