Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
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You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.