FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
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Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.