My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My favorite farside!!
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise