I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
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Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?