[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
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Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
satan: not today, microsoft teams
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?