THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
You Might Also Like
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
What about second breakfast?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin