[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
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After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Moms. The original autocorrect.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!