Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.