*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
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I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*