My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted